


How Can We Be Okay?

by ZequoiaRose



Series: The Memories That Were Forgotten [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Stanford Era (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:55:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24016291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZequoiaRose/pseuds/ZequoiaRose
Summary: “Hello?”“Sammy?”The smile on Sam’s face instantly drops as he recognizes the voice. “Dean?”“Yeah. Yeah, it’s me.” Sam can picture Dean rubbing his head as he is talking. There is something in his voice that the younger cannot place. He hasn’t called since Sam left, and despite the clenching of his stomach, hearing his voice feels more like home than anything Sam has found in these past months.
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Series: The Memories That Were Forgotten [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1732231
Comments: 3
Kudos: 148





	How Can We Be Okay?

It’s become a tradition for Sam and his friends to hang out on Fridays. One blissful evening of drinking, laughter, and ignoring the mounds of homework that has piled up through the week. They first starting meeting in whoever’s dorm was empty, but as soon as Jess and Sam started renting their house, it has become the other’s second home of sorts - at least on Fridays. 

Tonight isn’t anything different. It’s loud in the house and drinks and snacks are being passed around the living room. Sam is sitting with his arm around Jess, laughing at a story that Brady is telling when he hears his phone ring. He pulls it out quickly, not bothering to check the Caller ID before flipping it open as the chatter continues around him. 

“Hello?”

“Sammy?” 

The smile on Sam’s face instantly drops as he recognizes the voice. “Dean?”

“Yeah. Yeah, it’s me.” Sam can picture Dean rubbing his head as he is talking. There is something in his voice that the younger cannot place. He hasn’t called since Sam left, and despite the clenching of his stomach, hearing his voice feels more like home than anything Sam has found in these past months. 

“Are you okay? What’s going on? Did something happen?” The urgency in Sam’s voice causes the noise around him to die down as his friends are all looking worriedly at him. He ignores them in favor of leaning forward as if that will help him hear Dean. 

“Jeez, Sam. One question at a time. Nothing happened. It’s fine. I’m fine. I just... wanted to make sure you were okay.” 

The thing about growing up with no one else around them is that they know each other in every way. They know each other’s routines, habits, buttons, and tells. Which is why he doesn’t miss the the hesitation in his voice at lying to him. Dean has always had a hard time lying to Sam. 

“Dean, what happened?” 

“Nothing happened, Sammy! Maybe I just wanted to hear your voice!” There is rustling from the other end, and then a sharp gasp of pain. 

“Dean! What’s wrong? Are you hurt?” Sam can feel all eyes on him, so he gets up and walks a few paces away. 

“No. Calm down. I’m okay. I just moved wrong. No need for the panic.”

“You’re obviously not okay! I can hear it in your voice! How bad is it? Where’s dad?” His mind is racing a mile a minute. All he can picture is Dean bleeding out in a dirty hotel bed. Oh god. No, no,no.

A harsh laugh snaps him out of his spiraling thoughts. “He’s gone.”

Sam stops cold. He knows that voice. He’s heard the mix of angry and heartbroken before. “Is he drunk?”

“When is he not?” Dean laughs humorously. “Since you left I don’t think he’s put down the bottle.”

Sam slams his eyes shut. He remembers so many times of dad coming home drunk, angry, breaking things, screaming at them, and if it got bad enough beating them. Sam would yell right back about how awful Dad was and that would turn into a fight that only Dean could stop... by stepping in front of Dad and taking the beating intended for Sam. 

“De... did he hurt you?” Sam almost whispers. 

There is something sounding suspiciously like a sob from the other end, but Sam’s question is met with no answer. 

Sam feels his legs go weak. He ends up in a crouched position, his free hand covering his face. This isn’t something that is necessarily out of the ordinary, but Sam was always there for the aftermath. To help Dean clear the blood from a particularly bad hit in the face, or to shove Dad out the door if he wouldn’t stop, to apologize to Dean, but most importantly to be there when Dean cracks after Dad left. To tell him that it wasn’t his fault. To crawl into bed and just wait for Dean to be stable after hearing the horrible things that flew out of Dad’s mouth. Sam had been there. And now... now he’s not and he can’t breathe. 

“Dean...” Sam’s voice cracks. 

“I know, Sammy. I know.” Dean sounds broken. 

“How bad?”

“Sam-“ Even now. Even now Dean is trying to spare Sam. 

“How. Bad. Dean.” Sam spits every word out. 

“It’s not bad.” Silence. “My nose isn’t broken this time! That’s good, right?” Dean’s small attempt at humor is met with more silence. Sam hears a shaky sigh. “I’ll have a black eye, probably a cracked rib, and a sore shoulder for a while. Happy now?”

“No,” Sam whispers. “Dean, I’m so sorry. I want to be there. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, Sammy. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Sam’s shoulders shake around a sob. “Hey, I’m proud of you, okay, Sammy? It’s okay.” Dean’s voice is tight with emotion, like he is crying. Which can’t be true. Dean never cries. “Dad and I will be fine. To be honest, I’m glad you got out. You did what I never can.”

“Why can’t you?” Sam breaks out. 

“You know the answer to that, Sam.” Dean sounds so tired. Like he hasn’t slept in weeks. “If it’s not me, it’ll be you. And I need you safe, okay? It’s going to be okay.”

“De...” It’s all Sam can manage. He wants to say so much.He wants to tell Dean that there’s an extra bed in the house. He wants to tell him that he doesn’t have to stay, that Sam can take care of himself, that Dean shouldn’t have to put up with Dad, that Dean should just fight back. He wants to tell him that he wants his big brother back. That he hasn’t felt settled or okay since he left. That Sam is now discovering that Dean is the closest thing he has to a home. 

But some things cannot be said over a phone. So silence steals the words and suffocates him. 

“I know.” Dean says again.There’s a small sniff and a few more moments of screaming silence as the two brothers mourn the freedom that they’ll never have. They’re reaching towards something that is constantly much too delicate for them to hold. 

Dean clears his throat. “Okay. I need to go. I’m... sorry for calling, Sammy. I didn’t mean to upset you.” 

“Dean,” Sam cuts his brother’s hasty goodbye short. 

“What?” 

So many words. So much and yet all Sam manages is, “I miss you.” 

There’s a shaky exhale before a quiet, “I miss you, too, Sammy.” before the line goes dead. 

Sam pulls the phone away from his ear and brings it to his forehead, rocking himself slowly. Giving himself three seconds to feel - one, two, three - before he stands up, noticing everyone else in the room staring at him. Jess makes a move to get up, but Sam just holds up a hand. 

Sam clears his throat and tries to smile. “Sorry, guys. I’m just not feeling well. I might go to bed and see if I can sleep it off.” 

Without waiting for a response to his obvious lie, he leaves the room. A tear streaks across his face as he makes his way to the bedroom, barely getting his jeans off before he curls onto the bed, wishing more than anything that Dean was here. He feels Jess come to bed a while later, he pretends to sleep, thankfully facing away. She just sighs and gently kisses his shoulder before wrapping an arm around him and falling asleep. 

Some days are easier than others, Sam reminds himself. Dean will be okay. He has to be. With the hopeful prayers of a better day tomorrow, Sam feels himself drifting into a fitful sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, thank you for reading! Comments and kudos make my day!


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